I figured the best way to start this blog off was with a little bit of background information. Not too much though – wouldn’t want to give away any spoilers now.
I have complicated feelings about my upbringing. I’m torn between wanting to say it was great and terrible at the same time. It had great moments and, despite their humanness, I know I had parents who loved me. There were good moments, but I feel like the memories I carry with me are the negative ones.
My mom and dad divorced when I was around 6 when my dad came out as gay. My dad met his partner soon after and they’ve been together ever since. Generally speaking, other than the typical hurdles of growing up with gay dads in the 90s and early 2000s, life with my dad was pretty great.
But (you knew there was a “but”, didn’t you?) I also spent 50% of my time with my mom, who met my step dad shortly after divorcing my dad. We’ll save more details about him for later, because I’m sure there’s plenty to say. But I will say, for the sake of this post, that I genuinely believe that the relationship between my mom and step dad was my first and main exposure to unhealthy relationship practices. I also believe a lot of my anxieties and “quirks” stem from that experience.
I grew up in a small town in Michigan, and I’m not talkin’ small like 50,000. I’m talkin’ small like 900. Everyone knew everyone. I knew every classmate at least 4 grades ahead of me and at least 3 grades behind me. And I didn’t just know them – I knew their grandma, their middle name, their birthday, and where they lived. I spent a lot of time hating and resenting this small town in my teenage years, but I’ve grown pretty fond of it in my adulthood. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade living two minutes from a Target for anything, so I’m not moving back. But I enjoy reminiscing and visiting.
My first experience with “love” was when I was 16. I fell head over heels for a guy who, while great, wasn’t really my “type”. I also knew in the back of mind that he was gay, but I absolutely refused, in the most stubborn way possible, to believe that he was gay. He told me such beautiful things and I wanted to believe them so badly that I let him use and hurt me for five. freaking. years. There was a point in my early 20s where I was convinced I would always be mentally tortured by this guy, completely failing to realize it was my own lack of self-love that kept me going back.
I’d love to say that I went from that to a beautiful, healthy relationship. But we all know I didn’t. The story can’t just end like that! We wouldn’t have this blog if it did.
That guy finally came out as definitely-totally-completely-100% sure gay and I was forced to move on. By chance, I met a guy who was a mutual friend of a coworker when I was out for my 22nd birthday. I fell hard for him almost instantaneously, and we were inseparable from day one. But, just like before, I let my lack of self love and self awareness convince me to stay with and love a man who could never give back in return what I gave to him. He struggled with addictions and bitterness from previous relationships. It was a recipe for disaster. A recipe that I helped cook up for 5 more years until it all exploded in spectacular fashion.
And then there I was, nearly 27 and having wasted an entire decade on two men who had not only broken my heart, but had damaged my idea of myself, love, and relationships. And I refuse to put all blame on them. I am more than happy to put blame on myself. Through reflection I have realized many of my own errors, my own unhealthy relationship habits, and a severe lack of self love that allowed me to believe I deserved to be treated the way I had allowed.
After that break up, I spent a year “getting my life together”. I moved in with my grandma (Granny, as she preferred), paid off nearly all my debt (except student loans – I’ve already accepted that I’ll still be making payments in the afterlife), lost 70 pounds, and bought a house. I didn’t date at all and didn’t even try. I thought, because I had all these these accomplishments on paper, I was magically put together and knew what I was doing. Turns out, I was pretty freaking wrong.
After just over a year of singledom and once I was finally settled into my new house, I decided to give dating a go again. The first guy I went on a few dates with was a spectacular failure and I swore off dating forever. So, naturally, I was back at it 6 days later. I came across the profile of a guy who seemed like my type. I clicked like. He immediately messaged me. I don’t think we stopped talking from the moment of that first message. I was smitten. After only two days I told my coworker “Gina, I’m in big trouble with this one”. Boy, was I right.
I hadn’t even met this guy yet and I already knew I liked him. While I was nervous about our first date, I was also eerily calm. I already knew it was going to go well. And, while I don’t have a lot of first date experience (I know, you’re shocked), I can’t imagine first dates go much better than that one did. I’m still convinced I could have sat there and talked to him for at least 3 days straight and been totally content. But, alas, the date had to end. And, just like the ones before him – we were nearly inseparable after that. Despite living 45 minutes away from each other we saw each other as many times a week as we could. I faced my driving anxiety to see him and I did it gladly. It was worth every minute to me. And, while I won’t go into details for the sake of saving them for posts later, he absolutely shattered my heart just two months in.
And, AGAIN, I realized that I had failed to show a complete lack of self love and awareness of my own mental health, causing an unhealthy relationship. I felt frustrated with myself and the situation, broken, confused, and hurt. And this hurt and frustration has driven me to really analyze my feelings, my habits, my mental health, and my relationships.
While talking with my friends I realized that so many of them have had the same or similar experiences. And maybe we need more people to be honest about not only mental health, but healthy relationships and why we love people who hurt us and use us.
So that brings us here, to this blog. My goal is to inspire, share, and bring hope (and maybe a little humor) to all the ladies (and guys!) who have been through and are going through unhealthy relationships, mental health struggles, break ups, dating, and just generally dealing with life in or around your thirties. This shit is tough. Let’s stick together.
Thirty, Flirty, and Trying 